8 Rules of Love : How to Find It, Keep It, and Let It Go

Ik heb hier heel veel uit overgeschreven. Echt een hele liefdevolle en bruikbare visie op liefde, in verschillende zinnen van het woord. Echt een aanrader eigenlijk, ondanks dat ik niet zo thuis ben in het zenboeddhisme. “Paul Tillich said, “Language has created the word ‘loneliness’ to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word ‘solitude’ to express the glory of being alone.” The difference between loneliness and solitude is the lens through which we see our time alone, and how we use that time. The lens of loneliness makes us insecure and prone to bad decisions. The lens of solitude makes us open and curious. As such, solitude is the foundation on which we build our love. Solitude is not a failure to love. It is the beginning of love. During the time we spend without a sidekick, we move through the world differently, more alert to ourselves and the world a good way to start is to develop a growth plan using the three Cs of transformation: Image 1. Coaching. We live in a world where experts and information are easily accessible online. Start by looking for widely available resources to help you with this issue. Find a book, podcast, course, friend, professional, TED Talk, MasterClass, or online video to help you. You’ll find that most of these resources will help you break your goal into achievable smaller steps, bringing a challenge that once seemed insurmountable into focus. 2. Consistency. Use the information you’ve gathered to make a plan for how to address the issue in an ongoing way. Set a goal for the year’s end. This goal should be tied to action items, not an achievement. That is, your goal shouldn’t be “Make a million dollars.” It should be committing to ongoing efforts that will help you grow in this area. 3. Community. Look for a community that might help support your efforts. There are online and local support groups for everything under the sun. Find one where there is a mix of people who are in the same position you are in, people who are in the process of making changes, and people who have some measure of success in transforming their lives in the way that you wish to. Decide whether you prefer a community that is motivational, informational, or a mix of the two. Who knows? You might meet your future partner there. If we are constantly looking for love or constantly focused on our partner, we’ll be distracted from the vital work of understanding ourselves. If we don’t understand ourselves, we risk taking on the tastes and values of our partner. Their vision becomes our vision Through choices we make in solitude, we set our own standard for how we want to live and love and be loved Two of the key skills we learn in solitude are self-control and patience. They’re connected, because the more we improve our self-control, the more patient we can be. Solitude gives us time and space between attraction and reaction. We ask ourselves: Is this truly healthy for me? Will this nourish me? Is this good for me in the long term? We develop the self-control to pause and ask ourselves these questions, and the patience to take our time answering them. We learn the difference between what feels good and what feels nourishing We’ve been trained to look for our “better half” or someone to “complete us.” Does that make us the worse half? Does it mean we’re incomplete without a partner? Even if those phrases are said lightheartedly, they set us up for dependency on someone else that can never truly be fulfilled. We look to our partner, essentially saying, “I’m bored, entertain me. I’m tired, energize me. I’m angry, make me laugh. I’m frustrated, comfort me. I’m unhappy, cheer me up.” We treat our partners like human Advil, looking to them for instant relief. “The best thing for your nervous system is another human. The worst thing for your nervous system is another human.” Perhaps the most important lesson solitude offers is helping us understand our own imperfection. This prepares us to love someone else, in all their beauty and imperfection. Being attracted to someone who bucks the system isn’t necessarily a mistake. But if you keep hoping adventure and mystery will give way to loyalty and responsibility, it’s time to learn from your choices. Why are you attracted to this person? Are they offering you the relationship you want? If you’re ready to move into a deeper commitment, then you’ll need to choose someone based on the qualities they have to offer instead of just their rebellious allure. You Attract What You Use to Impress If you want to be appreciated… What do you want to be appreciated for? What can you do every day that makes you feel appreciated? I never felt like my parents thought I was special. If you want to feel special… What do you want to feel special for? What can you do every day to make yourself feel special? My parents didn’t respect my feelings or opinions. If you want to feel respected… What do you want to be respected for? What can you do every day to respect yourself? In three dates you’ll focus on three areas: whether you like their personality, whether you respect their values, and whether you would like to help them achieve their goals Who’s the most fascinating person you’ve ever met? What’s the most out-of-character thing you’ve ever done or would like to do? Have you ever had a big plot twist in your life? If you won the lottery, what would you spend the money on? What’s What’s the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done? What is a tough thing you dealt with in your past? What makes you proud? What would you do if you had enough money to not need a job? Notice how all these questions approach deeper issues without pressure or intensity. On Date Three you can try out some deeper questions, such as the ones listed below. Do you have a dream you’d like to fulfill one day—a job, a trip, an accomplishment? What would you like to change about your life? If you could meet anyone, who would it be? Is there a single moment or experience that changed your life? Is there someone you consider to be your greatest teacher? It’s okay for different people to fill the different needs on your checklist. Research shows that the happiest people have multiple close relationships 1. Do they like learning about themselves? 2. Do they understand their own emotions? 3. Do they try to understand you? Are they curious about you? 4. Can they entertain themselves? It’s easier to learn with another person if they love solitude. It means they have their own journey and their own path, which allows you to travel your own path beside them. 5. Are they open to finding new ways of solving problems? 6. Do they support others in their growth? 7. Do they inspire you to be better and more? Remember, you are trying to nourish your partner’s joy. You highlight the good, you help create a path, you amplify their potential. Instead of criticizing in public, you compliment in public and in private. You might change and grow together, mixing your karmas, mixing the energy of two families and two communities, but don’t lose your identity. Remember your own personality, values, and goals. Don’t lose the thread of your own story. Spend time in solitude. Don’t cancel plans with friends and family. Pursue your own interests, not just your partner’s. This is not slighting, ignoring, or betraying your partner. It’s fueling your growth in ways that they can’t, which means you’ll have even more to offer them Your purpose has to come first for you, and your partner’s purpose has to come first for them In every relationship there are actually three relationships: your relationship with each other, your relationship with your purpose, and your partner’s relationship with their purpose When you’re a part of each other’s growth, you don’t grow apart from each other. You can celebrate the successes together and be there together for disappointments. Am I fighting because I believe my way is best? (ego) Am I fighting because I think we should do something the “right” way? (ego) Am I fighting because I want the person to change? (passion) Am I fighting because this situation offends me to the core? (passion) Am I fighting because I want to feel different? (passion) Am I fighting because I want to improve the situation? (goodness) Am I fighting because I want us to become closer? (goodness) Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. —RUMI I told her that in the same way a plant needs sun, water, soil, nutrients, and shelter, we need to keep tending our relationship for it to flourish over time. You may say, well, why don’t I just buy a new plant? But if you move on, you’d have to learn to water that plant every day too. We want love in our lives, and we naturally assume it should take the form of romantic love. But it’s a misconception that the only love in your life is between you and your partner, your family, and your friends. It’s a misconception that life is meant to be a love story between you and one other person. That love is just a stepping-stone. Having a partner isn’t the end goal. It’s practice for something bigger, something life-changing, a form of love that is even more expansive and rewarding than romantic love. You don’t mess your house up if someone messy comes in. You don’t fill your heart with hate because someone hateful enters your radius. You want to live in a house of love.”

Goede zelfreflectie over liefde. Het is veel ingewikkelder en simpeler dan je denkt. Het zit echt in jezelf… Aanrader!