First, she tampered with my pickle. Then, she got us both kicked off a cooking show.

Now, we're fake engaged. Sit back, friends, this is one crazy tale of treachery and pickle juice.

So, a few months back I created a new pickle. It's spicy. Like, fiery hot. It went viral in a big way. Then along comes Magnolia Boudreaux.

She's the daughter of a rival deli. She ends up a surprise guest on a cooking show I've booked, insisting her pickle is hotter. Then she shows up on another show. Then another. Our feud becomes legendary, until it nearly ruins both our delis.

So I do the only thing I can think of to fix the problem. I kiss her on national television. And to top it? We get engaged.

We've got the whole fake relationship down until she buys me a pickle cactus shaped like . . . well, I'm sure you can picture it.

And everything after that? I made sure that she's not faking a thing.